The 10 funny (but true) reasons why you are a disastrous cook :-)

How could it be possible- every. single. time? You try a new recipe, and no matter whether it’s complicated or not, you follow it systematically, and end up with a disaster? Baking and cooking are not for the faint of heart, and it’s true, some recipes are terribly written. (Not mine, of course!!) But you can’t always blame the recipe… especially when you have these major malfunctions on a regular basis!

So here are the ten (funny, but true) reasons you are a disaster in the kitchen…

1)  YOU HAVEN’T READ THE RECIPE, FROM TOP TO BOTTOM, AT LEAST TWICE: Novice or seasoned pro, if you start cooking before you have a clear idea of all the steps involved in the recipe, you will discover in the middle of cooking that you’re completely out of- or do not have enough of- some ingredient, or that the ingredient you THOUGHT you had is covered in fuzzy green mold, or that the oven had to be preheated, or the butter at room temperature, or suddenly realize you lent out your Kitchen Aid to your best-friend’s sister, or forgot to get your cake pan back after that potluck at your neighbor’s. To be sure a recipe you have never experienced previously will turn out well, it is always good practice to review it at least twice. Reset the danger of drawbacks and failure; assemble all ingredients and equipment BEFORE you start.

2) YOU APPROXIMATE: Behind the recipe’s directions of quantities and steps, there is always one or more hidden “chemistry” reasons, usually unbeknownst to the common cook. If you follow the precise amounts indicated, in the order instructed, the probability that the chosen dish succeeds rises exponentially. A kitchen scale is a great help (sometimes essential) for following recipes gracious enough to have ingredients listed also by weight, not just cups or quantities.

3) YOU DON’T RESPECT INDICATED COOKING TIMES (also known as, “YOU APPROXIMATE -PART II”): Cooking requires certain timing. If you forget to set the kitchen timer, and have to guess on doneness, you will likely misjudge. If you do not respect the importance of cooking times given in a recipe, or you attempt to alter the temperature of the stove or oven to hurry the recipe along, a mess is your guaranteed result! Soggy pie crusts, singed tops, dry crunchy edges and an undercooked goopy center, mushy pasta, meats as tough as shoe leather… any of this sound familiar to you???

4) YOU ARE NOT FOCUSED ON COOKING: TV on, phone pinging alerts of new emails and texts, kids either running through your legs or asking you something every 3 minutes (depending on their age), a husband asking when dinner will be ready… I don’t know why you can’t concentrate on following that recipe! 😉 These things are real life, but ALL enemies of a successful plate. It’s actually a wonder that MORE recipes don’t end as house fires! 😀

5) YOU ARE DAZED AND CONFUSED: Often this issue is presented in conjunction with the reasons listed above, but sometimes it’s just you. Those discombobulated days when your head is in a fog, it’s risky to cook at all, let alone expect perfection in the kitchen. You’ll forget to read the recipe in advance, most possibly you’ll miss a step or forget to add an ingredient (Ever have pumpkin pie without sugar? Ha!), or misread the indicated quantity, then you’ll forget to set the kitchen timer and burn whatever you’re making. Who do you think will eat that crap?!?

6) YOU ARE CREATIVE (presumptuously): Do not misunderstand, culinary intuition is great, and creativity in the kitchen is appreciable as in any other kind of art, BUT the important distinction is to only exercise your creative liberty altering recipes you’ve already tested, and liked -but didn’t love- the first time around. If you improvise on a dish you’ve never attempted to prepare before, failure is lurking around the corner!

7) YOU ARE A CALORIE-PHOBIC HEALTH NUT: Does it always seems to you that the amount of oil/butter indicated is exaggerated? Or do you think, “Wait a minute, I don’t think all that sugar is necessary!” or, “Instead of whole milk, better to use 1%, or skim”….  Well for sure you will have saved calories, but do not expect an explosion of goodness.

8) YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT THE QUALITY OF THE INGREDIENTS: There’s really nothing more to add to this. If you pick fresh, quality ingredients, you’ll have a higher probability of achieving a culinary success. Sometimes, it takes a little research and cooking experience to learn about better alternatives, too.

9) YOU NEVER TASTE WHILE COOKING (especially directed to the calorie-phobes): It is only a legend that good cooks never taste while cooking. Or rather, it’s true only after years and years of experience. In fact, here in the U.S. I have heard the phrase, “Never trust a skinny cook!” Maybe better advice! 😉 So, before serving a sauce without salt (or extra-salted) … why not taste it? A few calories, to save you the embarrassment of serving another unpleasant dish.

10) YOU COOKED DURING YOUR PERIOD: REALLY!?! You didn’t know that cooking while having your period makes foods sour? HA, ha, ha, ha!! There is this old belief that women should avoid things like canning pickles or tomato sauce, or that a woman’s period would ruin the leavening of bread or pizza dough. I’m not kidding! It’s based on  some religious beliefs or traditions in Nepal, Bali and also in some regions of Southern Italy. Now you have a scapegoat for your cooking fails every month! And even if you’re not so religious, what a great excuse to get out of cooking one week each month!!

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3 thoughts on “The 10 funny (but true) reasons why you are a disastrous cook :-)

  1. Oh how true! I have been guilty of pretty much all of those at some point (especially the one about not reading a recipe through to the end and checking I have all the ingredients in my smugly well-stocked cupboards). Great good sense, thank you.

    Like

    1. Hello Mrs Portly! Your comment has warmed my heart! This article is mostly “autobiographical”, and having a journalist liking it, really made me happy!
      Thank you so much for stopping by and spend your time reading my stuff. Silvia

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi Silvia. It really made me laugh because it’s so true to life and very good advice too. Thanks for the follow on Mrs P. I look forward to reading more of your posts. Linda x

        Liked by 1 person

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